Monday, July 16, 2007

Nerd Porn

Despite the rather raunchy title of this post don't be mislead, this is safe for work - that is if you're NOT working for Microsoft or for the porn industry. So to kick this post off on the right note, take a look at this video I found over at the Game Trailers website.







Okay its not much of a video anyways - just a photo montage over a voice recording of some comedian guy. But yeah, half of the things he said is true in the world ruled by warlords, level 68 Mages and night elves. I mean nerds deserve porn of their own liking, am I right?

I once knew a guy who usually got a hard on whenever he played DOA or Everquest. (I only started avoiding him when he asked me to dress like Rikku from Final Fantasy X-2) In another separate case, some of my World Of Warcraft(WOW) friends started talking about adding an 'undress' mod on their copies of WOW so that they could happily undress a female character of any race in the WOW world. Well to me, the sight of naked polygons are bad for a game, but this sort of naked polygons really mean naked as in without clothes. But the thought of eighteen year old guys jerking in their rooms while playing a modded version of WOW is truly WOW. Its sad, I know but I can't help them cause I'm lesbian.

Not too long ago there's a controversy surrounding the game Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas(GTA: SA). I'm sure most of you are already aware of this mini-game in the game itself where the main character steps into his girlfriend's house and engage her in sexual intercourse. Originally the act itself can't be seen by the player. However, apparently some smart arse dude made a mod that allows for the camera to be moved inside the house. What follows is every pervert's ideal game.


But the act of having sex in a game itself is not so crude, its the low poly count of the character models itself.


There's no beauty of intimacy in it at all, cause all you can see are just two badly textured character models moving as if they're having sex - in clothes. I swear there's more skin in DOA Extreme Beach Volleyball and soft porn itself. This is just bad and ridiculous.


Oh shit, umm if you're under 18, you're not supposed to follow what was defined in the last three paragraphs.


Speaking of DOA, I don't know why but when I was back in the NY, walking down the streets in one of their lady costumes is suicidal - where do you keep your purse? Cleavage? I don't know why but the Japanese seem to have a deep obsession with big boobes that falls between the D to the G cup. I swear if I whenever I play any of their games and went short of weapons, I'd expect to be able to kill my enemies with massive mammary mayhem. I mean just looking at those polygons make me insecure and at the same time thankful that I won't be caught killing someone by smothering dead said person in my cleavage.



See the image above? That is so unrealistic by my standards. I mean, could you possibly do combat with skilled ninjas with little armor apart from the thick layer of silicon between your milk glands and your ribcage? Silicon does not provide much protection you know, unless you're a cyborg with Windows XP pre-installed in your system.

Don't worry men, I will save you.

Now that pornography is just a Google click away, should the porn industry pay homage to their biggest consumer market ever? [ Yes, I am referring to you dateless nerds out there playing a modded version of WOW while downloading the latest trailer from Over18Under21.com and coincidentally jerking off to some naked female Night Elf right now ]

[Kat shudders]

Should the porn industry create a website where nerds like Bill could just log in and find some girl playing WOW or Halo nude? I think the concept is kinda cool.

Not. [Okay, I'll stop with the Borat jokes already]

Its crude, yet cute but its real isn't it I mean kinda real for the porn industry? At least there's the letters N E R and D written on the foreheads of the pornstars rather than just girls wearing glasses feigning the look of nerds. Girls who are nerds and play games can be hot too you know. Jade Raymond made an appearance in the above video and she looks hot - for a person who produced games like Assasin's Creed and once spent 10 hours a day for three months playing Everquest. (I had beaten her records years ago by spending three days straight on Halo 2 then spending about six more months over and over again and on average, 12 hours a day for a week on Everquest then stopped for awhile, then get all geeky and spent a few more months on it when it came out. History repeated itself with Everquest 2, kinda. I almost never left my room.)[you now can roughly guess how old I am]

Oh yeah by the way, I have a crush on Jade Raymond, an eerie crush cause her laughter is identical to mine as pointed out by my mum.

Back on porno nerds.

I think pornography needs a completely new breed of pornstars for this nerd porn business. I suggest l33t speaking, halo playing, Gameboy addict girls who don't really need to look exceptionally hot to arouse the monsters in nerdy boxers. You can imagine a whole scene with a man who looks like Bill Gates fucking this chick in a night elf costume while making the girl sigh and moan in l33t all in the presence of an high-end Alienware gaming rig running Pimps at Sea in a Star Trek setting. That would be so cool.

[insert insane laughter here]

So that's nerd porn for all you nerds. Remember, if you need any help finding a date, try looking for nerds online via MySpace or even faster, this website. For now, good luck and hopefully some big porn industry player gets the chance to read this post and consider your fathomless desire for geeky pornstars - if you had any.



For your enjoyment, the latest episode of L33t Haxxors.



[Kat is a chick who loves games such as Halo, Everquest, WOW and God of War. She is a nerd and will not in any circumstance ever star in a porn show]

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